Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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