I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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