You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
