I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My feet surprised me
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