how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
