Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
