Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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