another moral hangover. fuck.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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