i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
false alarm. still invincible.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
