I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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