You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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