with your own penis?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize