So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize