sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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