I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
cat food counts as protein by the way
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
