My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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