the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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