can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
