there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
