Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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