You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
