my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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