and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
