girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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