I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
