can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
