Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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