I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
