Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize