im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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