if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think my moral compass just broke
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