i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
