Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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