Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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