He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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