I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
