Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
