my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
