Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
