Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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