she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
