I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
