Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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