You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
