i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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