im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
