no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
