I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
