the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Houston, we have a blender
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
