Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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