im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
even my farts smell like vagina
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
