my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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