So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
